Q&A with Cam #3: Dealing with Change
First off, thank you my heart is exploding... I'm so so glad you resonate with the information. These messages truly mean the world to me, so thank you. ♡
This is a really great question, and hits close to home because once I caught the Sydney bug, I too had that feeling that I could never return to Canada…. and yet, here I am, and happier than ever.
I’ll back track a little…
I had no intention of falling for Australia the way I did, as discussed in “my transformation,” I thought I was embarking on a 3 month backpacking trip, and within TWO DAYS I knew that Sydney is somewhere I could live and call my home. I entered the country on a working holiday visa, so very quickly I started looking for a more permanent solution to staying in Australia long term. I’ll elaborate on this at another time, but long story short I found a company willing to sponsor me for a 457 visa; the sponsorship actually fell through, and so I had the option (after being in Australia for about 2.5 years) to re-apply, or leave the country.
I had a lot of resistance to the idea of leaving Australia, like- it wasn’t gonna happen. I had met my soul tribe, was swimming in the ocean every day, growing as a human being beyond imagination- I was truly happy, and I was “home”. I started going through all my options, which included going back to school (student visa), starting my own company, buying land, getting married (seriously), and weighing all the pros and cons. I did have a little saved in the bank from my working full-time basically non-stop for my entire time in Aus, but any of those options would completely deplete my savings, and some of those options (like land/ starting a business) would mean taking out a loan. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with taking out a loan to start a business of your dreams- but in 27 years on this planet I have yet to be in debt, even a single dollar. I have never owned a credit card, and always live within my means... so the fact I was considering going into massive debt was the first red flag that I was living options totally out of line with the bigger picture, with my higher Self. The business, the land, going back to school, or getting married- these were all means to an “end”: staying in Australia. And fundamentally all those things should be goals in of themselves, not stepping stones for something I think I need at one point in time.
When we feel anxiety or fear, or panic in life- it’s because we are resisting the flow of life. We impose what we think should be over what is. I was being told I couldn’t just stay in Australia (the reality), but I wanted to (expectation), and the resulting emotion is fear of having to leave, anxiety about “losing” my friends, my lifestyle, my home. During this time (and still to this day) I am incessantly doing inner work, and trying to understand/ grow from the hard moments in life- this was definitely one of those such opportunities. I like to try and see the light while I'm still in the darkness, you don't actually need to see the positive only in retrospect, you can cultivate the ability to sit in your darkest (hardest) moments, and choose to grow while your still in it. Any time we feel “bad,” something is out of alignment; and you can actively play a part is reinstating that alignment- by seeing pain/ hardship as a platform from which to grow. Whether we did wrong by someone, we’re clinging onto something that isn’t meant to be… by resisting the flow of life, you just tighten the knot, and create more tension. It’s not about just falling through life like a rag doll, but it is about trusting that not everything we want are things we need.
I asked myself “what if..” “what if I lose this thing I think I can’t live without.” Which is a great exercise to do with anything you think you can’t live without. We impose this idea of permanency on things, people, or places we love… but nothing is permanent in life. Nothing. Realizing this is one of the true gifts of being Human, and is ultimately the only way out of suffering. Whether you attach yourself to good feelings or bad feelings, both are impermanent- and so whether you get caught up in wanting to feel the good or not feeling the bad, you entangle yourself with emotions that are both bound to change. This is the fundamental teaching of S.N. Goenka in the Vipassana retreats (a 10-day silent meditation): equanimity. This notion that everything is always in flux, and so in remaining equanimous (at peace with the good and the bad) we remain in balance, aware, honest, and free of misery.
I channeled equanimity best I could, and asked myself, “what if I do go, then what?” and flesh out the worst possible scenario. Oh right, back to the exercise - so ask yourself what will happen if you were to lose the thing you think you can’t live without. In playing out the worst possible scenario, you will quickly real-eyes that it’s not that bad. If you really flesh out any scenario to the “very worst” then what do you get, death? Well shit, once your dead you definitely don’t have anything to worry about in the literal sense, so even death ain’t that bad.
As soon as I opened up the door of possibility to change, the opportunities began flooding in. I nearly booked a flight to India (more on that later), contemplated moving to Europe, and ended up having the opportunity to live and work on an Organic farm, 100% off the grid, in the mountains of Maui, Hawaii. I lived in Maui for 3 months while I applied to go back to school to study holistic reproductive health, and when I got into the program I moved back to Toronto, Canada- where I currently reside until I finish this degree. I would never have fathomed willingly going back to school after finishing University, I was over it; but as soon as I opened the door of possibility to change (from Australia) I ended up meeting the most incredible beings up in Byron Bay who completely changed the course of my life. I learnt about a book (the Brighton Baby) that inspired and reaffirmed my path in life pursuing natural fertility as a career path, and then learnt about the post-grad program I am currently in (at Justisse International). My experience on Maui revolutionized my world, and opened the door to consequent travel through California… and ultimately I write to you on this website, which I have created just last month, and is genuinely a culmination of just letting go. I had to let go of what I thought I needed and trust the past of least resistance, trust that everything would happen in divine timing.
We think we know what we need in life, but one of the most powerful concepts is that of “not believing everything you think,” because the reality is you don’t know what you don’t know. Once upon a time you didn’t know how great Australia was, and now you think you can’t live without it… but what else is out there that will bring you unfathomable joy- but you have yet to experience?
When I decided to “leave” Australia, I looked at it like a relationship with certain past-boyfriends. You know, when you’re in it you think you can’t live without the person- even though the relationship might be slightly toxic. My relationship with Australia had become slightly toxic, because I was fighting so hard to stay- it was exhausting. So when I “broke up” with Australia, I realized that if it was meant to be, we would reunite. Nothing is truly permanent, even severing of relationships. Sometimes we just need perspective, distance from the situation, to see it clearly. Had I left Australia and wanted to return, I could have- nothing is stopping you from catching your breath and going back into the fight; but make sure you give your body/ mind enough time to truly breath before going back to war.
All that being said, I am still absolutely in love with Australia. And I do have tentative plans to return there after I finish my studies. But upon returning, I will be a completely new human being, with an entirely new perspective on life. There will be no resistance, quite the opposite: my website will be a platform for me to connect with future clients, and as a qualified holistic reproductive health practitioner, I will actually have the foundation to start my business and pursue my passion, in the country that I love. By trusting the flow of life, I have been supported whole heartedly in my endeavours, and have truly never been happier or more fulfilled in life. Even spending this past winter in Canada, I felt this child-like joy with every snowflake that fell on my face. It’s easy to find joy when you’re always getting your way, but true equanimity, true enlightenment is remaining calm amidst the chaos.